A New Place for Rambling

 So, I've never blogged before, and I certainly don't plan to gain anything from it, but I am taking a page out of my fathers book, and documenting whatever may be worth sharing in my life. 

My name is a reference to my dear father's blog "DaddySpeak" he's been writing it about his adventures on parenting me, and it seems like he stopped at my high school graduation. Now, I can understand the lack of source material, I mean at the time of writing this, I'm now a junior in college with my own apartment. He understandably misses me, if you ever read his blog you can probably tell that we're very close. My becoming an adult has been hard for him, and I probably won't fully comprehend how he feels until I have a child of my own. 

I've lived about four hours away from him during these last few years of college, but I always come home during holidays and summer break (Also during COVID but that was something else entirely). Unfortunately, during my visits home I spend much less time at home, and much more time out with friends and my boyfriend *gasp* I know, I know, definitely a struggle for my dear father. I would probably spend more time at home if I wasn't so dang lonely in college. Only this recent year have I had an actual close friend to spend time with, so you can imagine how lonely I was for quite some time. My mother once berated me, saying that "I can't survive without my boyfriend" now, typing that still makes my tear up a little, because that's not true. I can survive on my own. I just can't survive holed up in a room, sleeping all day, no tasks to be done, no food to be eaten, no purpose. But, as I've discovered this year, I can survive with classes to attend, work to be done, and a dog to be fed. And of course, most importantly, someone around to remind me that life is worth living. 

 As my father before me, I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, and I'm ashamed to admit that it has definitely taken a toll on me in the past. In fact, my life sucked to an extreme extent, all the way up until sophomore year of high school. This wasn't my parents' fault, they loved me unconditionally and still do to this day. No, I was just tragically thrown into a society where a socially awkward, shy little girl, doesn't make a huge impression. I was stuffed into a group that decided power was more important than friendship, and a school that was more focused on outside impressions, than the inner feelings of a couple insecure children. 

I can thank my dad for removing me from that awful situation, honestly, I don't want to imagine where I would be if I had remained in that environment, probably nowhere good. Around February of my sophomore year, much to my displeasure, I was quickly withdrawn from that school after what I thought was a casual discussion about my situation. Turns out it was more like a wake up call for my dad, who realized how bad of a time I was actually having. I was transferred to the local public school and after a bit of getting used to, realized it was probably the best decision he's ever made for me. I made two amazing friends who broke me out of my shell, met a couple of boyfriends who became my first learning experiences, and finally found the group that I still love to this day. My true friends, who I wouldn't trade for the world. 

In my dad's last post of his blog, he mentions my valedictorian speech and how it's all about my friends. I said that I wouldn't have made it without them, and man, I can't ever emphasize how true that really is. I live with one of those friends as my roommate, and I'm two years strong into a relationship with another. We've had our ups and downs, but they've made me happier in these past two years than probably all of the years before that combined, not counting maybe ages 0-7, those were the best. I wasn't introduced to the evils of the world before that, I was simply kept safe at home with mommy and daddy, man, what bliss. To be fair, I think I've blocked out a LOT of junior high and early high school just because it was so miserable, but no ones really to blame for that. Sure, maybe the people who emotionally abused me, but where does the source of blame even come from. Why were they that way? Likely because they had their own demons to deal with, bad parenting, bullies of their own, I can't just blame a 10 year old for kicking me down without thinking about why they did it. I mean, the human part of me still hates those people, still throws up in her mouth a little when I hear their names, still shudders at the thought of those grey carpet floors, but the rest of me thinks about all the good I've experienced, and how far away all of that feels now. It's still a part of me, but it's the part that I'd be better without. 

That's not to say that I don't suffer the lasting consequences of other people's actions of course. I still panic when I hear people yelling. I still feel like a child when others talk to me. I still think that everything I say will be viewed as annoying. But at least now, most of it's all in my mind. And at least now, I have people who are willing to stand up for me, and remind me that my mind is wrong. Then again, my mind is just going to tell me that for those people, I'm a burden, but it can shut up for now. 

Moving on from the therapeutic stories of my past, I think my future is looking just fine. Becoming an adult has been rough, especially since I'm "outgrowing" my parents. But I think they're learning to understand that concept as well. They're overprotective, as all parents should be, and letting me go must be unimaginably hard. Thank goodness that I don't have to live by their rules anymore though. They plan to move away and retire, I plan to graduate and live near my boyfriend, our plans are continuing separately. However, I'll always need them, and as annoying as their constant texting can be, I'll always try my hardest to answer. 

Once I graduate, I plan to seek my PhD wherever my boyfriend gets stationed. Oh yeah, my boyfriend joined the military by the way, it sucks, but I'm proud of him. Somewhere during my life, I was imbued with the thought that military = DANGER, BAD, DEATH, PAIN. I'm not sure when that happened, but breaking away from that line of thought is harder than I realized. It's taken almost every ounce of me to not try changing my boyfriend's life plan. Not that it would work, but trying would be like saying I don't support him, and I support him more than anything. I trust him, and I trust that he'll try to stay safe, if not for him at least for me. And once those four years are up, I know that it'll be worth it. Besides, I think a PhD may take even longer than that, so maybe I'll just be distracted by school the whole time. 

Anyways, I don't think I can share my entire life in a single blog post, and I should probably save some for next time, what's the point of a blog if you just say everything right off the back? Anyways, dad, if you're reading this, I love you. And everyone else, thanks for reading, even if it's only me going back to proofread (: