Celebration mixed with entitlement (from me)

 What's up guys (my dad), I haven't posted in a while but that's how life is, it gets busy. Since my last blog I've mostly been going to college, working, and generally progressing in the grand game of life. It kind of sucks that the only end goal is dying, like you get to a point where you've reached all your checkpoints and the only solution after that is to perish. My goals have been like, finish highschool, check, graduate college, complete grad school, find a career, start a family, and then??? Make enough money to be comfortable and die. What a weird cycle humans have created. Our entire life feels centralized around money, so strange. I mean, it's imperative to survival, it's technically illegal to not have enough of it, and y'know, can't find much joy in life without it. Oh yeah, and when I say illegal I mean legally I'm not allowed to park anywhere if I happened to be living in my car, and most places don't allow homeless people to sleep on benches etc. I guess I was thinking about this because I was like, wow, hotels are so expensive, what if I just slept in my car, then I'd be chilling for free! Nope I would most definitely get the police called on me for either trespassing or loitering or something. What the heck haha. Anyways, I just think it's crazy how we spend our entire lives preparing us to do something that makes money and then we eventually reach that point and we die. So y'know, elementary school, high school, college, all of that is simply for the big bucks. 

Anyways! That was a random tangent, lets move on to something more exciting. Remember when I was talking about reaching goals in life, or completing levels in this big game? Well, I just completed another level, I got married. Yep, that's right, I'm now officially a ball and chain. My lovely significant other proposed the idea and I happily agreed, well, actually we came to the idea together but it sounds cooler when I say it that way. Although it's like, a super big deal, and I'm extremely excited, we basically did the bare minimum wedding-wise. We eloped, went one step up from a courthouse marriage, and went on our merry way. Both my husband and I think that it kind of counts as like, a pre-marriage. Obviously in the eyes of the law, this is the most important part, we both signed the documents and now I'm doing paperwork for taxes and all that good stuff. However, to us, we think the real wedding will come later, with our family and friends around to celebrate with us.

Oh, by the way, we did that too. I started writing this post on April 11, 2022. It is now February 27, 2023, so like, wow I fell off. But anyways, in December I got actually forreal married and it was pretty cool, I had a really nice time, I wore a black dress, it was just as edgy as I always dreamed, all that crazy stuff. I'm not really sure what the point of this post was back when I first started it, but I guess my current mind is going to have to hijack the post. 

SO HERE IS A BIG GAP WHERE I AGE LIKE 10 MONTHS AND ALSO GO FROM 21 TO 22 YEARS OLD

Maybe I should've just made a new post, but I also don't want to, and this is my blog, so too bad. I guess my topic can be about emotional intelligence. Not to toot my own horn, like, at all, I hate this fact about myself, but I'm an incredibly emotional person. I feel things deeply, I understand how others feel quite a lot, and man, I think way too hard about anything and everything. And honestly? I think that's pretty much what emotional intelligence is, you can read people but the downside is reading yourself WAY too hard. Anyways, are you wondering how this part of my post ties in with the other? To answer that question, I gotta ramble just a little bit more so hold your horses. Have you ever watched a movie or a TV show involving a wedding in some way? Of course you have! They're all over the place, even some action movies have their cute little wedding scene, so don't lie to me and say you haven't. Well, personally I've been watching a lot of "How I Met Your Mother." It's a good show, and there's like, a million episodes with weddings involved. There's a really nice one where Ted, the main protagonist, gets asked to be the Best Man at his old high school friend's wedding. The plot of the episode is him scrambling to write a good speech because at the past three weddings that he'd spoken at, he had a breakdown of some sort. So he's desperately trying to write something funny, or emotional, or just plain, that won't cause him to cry. And man, man I wish that I had someone that was even remotely worried that they'd cry at my wedding because their speech got too emotional. I wish I had someone who was willing to say nice things about me, even if they were a little vague because maybe they didn't know me so well. Because sometimes, I think about what it would be like if someone asked me to be their maid of honor someday. I know that I would also scramble to write a decent speech, because I know that I'm pretty good with words, and I want that person to know that I care about them. But unfortunately, I wasn't blessed with grand speakers or writers for friends, because I guess that's the role that I fill. Long story short, no one really spoke about me at my wedding, other than my dad of course, he was awesome. I mean, part of that's on me, because I ensured everyone that they didn't have to, I wouldn't require it, because I know it's scary and they're shy. But holy heck, I wish someone had stepped up and done it anyways, because now I've got this whole complex about no one caring about me. I keep thinking "no one loves me enough to say it out loud." and I know that's my brain being mean but I just can't shake it. I had an awful misunderstanding with my husband himself when I asked whether or not he'd write his own vows with me. He said he would try, and so I did too. The day of the wedding I asked if he had any (and keep in mind I had told him that it wasn't a big deal if he didn't, like a fool) and he said that he didn't think he had anything that would measure up to whatever I wrote. And so I said okay, and shrugged it off and went without saying vows. He told me afterwards that he was willing to say them, just that they weren't good, like he didn't mean that he didn't want to say them, so that sucked for me for sure. And y'know, my maid of honor and his best man both said some tiny speeches, but they were just "I've known you forever, you've grown a lot, congratulations." which is really sweet and brave to say for people who don't like crowds, but I guess I was really hoping for something heartfelt. I mean, every wedding I've ever been too, or even seen on the TV, I've cried, because when I listen to the vows I always just get so touched and emotional. I didn't even cry once at my wedding. It probably stung a little extra because about a month later, I attended another wedding where the vows and speeches were particularly precious. And I know that all of this sounds pretty complainy, a little bit ungrateful maybe, a touch desperate perhaps. But I think all of this is to say, that I wish people would be as soft and emotional as I am. If I had a chance to say nice and heartfelt things to my friends in front of an audience, I'd pull out all the stops. So, if anyone ever reads this, I encourage you to tell your friends how you feel, because sometimes they don't really know unless it's right out loud. 

Also, my wedding was amazing, I love my husband more than anything, and I love my friends too. I had a lovely venue and my family was there and I got some gorgeous photos, I'm just hyper-focusing on one small part of a very big ordeal, so don't think I'm miserable and hated the whole thing, I'm just running a highlighter over one sentence in a 5-page essay.  

Postscript -

"oh to love and be loved in return, just once in this lifetime." - unknown

"I wonder.

How much love in this world

Hides behind silence?"

-The Random Stories

"The healer also needs healing. The planner also needs surprises. The giver also needs to receive. The thoughtful also needs to be thought of. The considerate also needs to be considered."

- unknown